Wheezy sings, “You’ve got a friend in me” in Toy Story and we all sing along with happy smiles on our faces. We share a special, joyous moment with the people we love. Friends make us feel good – having a special relationship with another human being is important. It’s heathy. And it’s good to be liked. Generally, we seek out friendships.
As humans, being liked is the essence of life, not just a nice-to-have. It means we are part of a social grouping. And for most of us we don’t like it when people dislike us. Being disliked is horrible. It gnaws at our very core. If there are 10 people at a gathering, where 9 people like me and 1 doesn’t, the chances are it’s the one who doesn’t who occupies my mind. I might try to ignore them, but will glance in their direction from time to time wondering why this is happening. And wondering what I’ve done wrong.
The answer is 'probably nothing'. It’s just what it is. And I’ve got to be strong and except that it’s their problem, not mine. I know I can’t make friends with everyone I meet, even if that’s in my nature.
I’ve met people who follow this pattern of friendly behaviour into the work-place; they want to make friends with their colleagues, as if making friends is a prerequisite to getting a good job done. But it isn’t so. Most of your colleagues are going to act in a friendly way towards you (and you towards them), but some may not. It has nothing to do with whether you and they do a good job and it shouldn’t be confused as such.
For people who have a ‘thin skin’ and really care what other people think of them, it can be torment at work. Every snidey little comment, put down, rejection or just plain no is a deep personal insult. But as we all climb the greasy-pole it’s something we have to get used to. Realise that in the context of us doing our jobs, we have a right to ask other people at work to do theirs and support us. It doesn’t matter whether we make friends with them or not; that right – job first - still exists.
My advice is don’t go to work expecting to make friends. Your co-workers are colleagues, not more. Respect the work they do, and be friendly, but don’t try to cosy up to them. Your friendship isn’t a commodity, to be handed out like sweets at a kids party. It should be earned. You’re more likely to make friends if you first show respect for the position your colleagues hold, and ask for their respect in return – helping them do their jobs along the way.
But the mantra at the back of your head should be, “My friendship needs to be earned.”
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